written 12/5/2020, updated 9/28/2025
An on-going log of embarrassing memories.
~Doorway Dance – The building manager for the office building I work in is a tall man with a huge belly. We nicknamed him “Belly Man.” He’s a single guy in his late 50s or so and he’s, in a word, kind of creepy. He’s nice enough and means well, but if you were to see him about, people get afraid. He reminds me of a big troll. He likes me and is my patient which makes everything awkward. Sometimes, I swear he watches me on the camera because suddenly he’s there to open the building door for me the moment I round the corner. Anyways, as I was ascending the stairs one day, I hear his voice talking to someone else, but I’m committed and keep going up. There he is in the doorway I need, so I saw hi. From the outside of the door (it swings inwards towards me in the stairwell), he’s trying to hold it open for me except that his BELLY IS TOO BIG and now have this super small space to try and squeeze through. My bag is really big, too, so I’m trying to figure out how to squeeze through that little triangle of space. I make it through, but he finally realizes that his belly is too big, so as I go through, he kind of spins around like a ballerina or a revolving door, hands in the air. He says something that I can’t hear because I died 18 lives from cringe and hurry into my office. UUUGGGH.
~Hair Pluck – I was working on a patient who has been difficult in the past, but likes me. Regardless, there’s a level of anxiety working on her. I was finishing up, wiping away any paste I got on her face. There had been a hair on her lip that I’d noticed but had failed to subtley brush away (sometimes perhaps my hair or the patients hair falls on them). It was a pretty long, thick hair, about 2-3 inches long and blond (therefore NOT mine). Finally, I just went ahead and tugged on it quickly, afraid that she’d feel it and notice a hair on her face. Turns out, it was connected to her lip mole and she flinched when I pulled. SUPER EMBARRASSED, I ran out of the room to “go get the doctor.” As a side note, the next time I saw her a few years later, she no longer had it on her face.
~I can’t see – When I was still in high school, I went with my mom to Chick-fil-a to order food. It was our turn and she asked me what I wanted. I had trouble seeing the menu because I didn’t have my glasses on, so I remembered that if you narrow your field of vision, your acuity increases slightly, and used both of my hands cupped like binoculars over my eyes. My mom jabbed me really hard and hissed at me to stop that. She was embarrassed and my mom rarely gets embarrassed! At first I was annoyed, but then it dawned on me how weird that looked. And Chick-fil-a is usually quite crowded. Oops.
~Duhhhh – I was sitting in front of my high school with my brother waiting to be picked up. We were both playing games on our graphic calculators because this was before cell phones were widespread and well before smart phones (pay phones were a thing in schools!). A woman, clearly a mom, walks up to us and asks if we knew where the Japanese Club was meeting. Of course I knew, I took Japanese class! It was just inside the cafeteria and I wanted to tell her as much, except…all that came out of my mouth was, “Duh, duh, duh, duh.” I looked wildly around while these sounds were coming out of my mouth and begged my brother for help with my eyes. His eyes were firmly glued to his calculator and a smirk plastered on his face. The woman hightailed it out of there without another word and I was left going, WTF just happened?? My brother promptly busted out laughing and I’m sure the woman thought I was a special needs student.
~Butt poke – When I was very very small and about the height of people’s butts, we were shopping at Sears at the mall in the clothes section. I used to like to hide inside the clothes racks. Well, when I came out, I went looking for my mom who’d gone somewhere. That’s when I saw her with her back to me, those familiar purple leggings she wore in front of me. I went and poked her butt hard with my little finger. An old lady turned around and it was definitely NOT my mom. I started crying right away and I don’t really remember what happened after that except I was old enough to feel very embarrassed and that I was eventually reunited with my mom.
~Gift – A co-worker of mine was leaving for greener pastures and on her last day he brought in gifts for everyone. I had completely forgotten. She gave me mine and I thanked her and when I went to put it in my bag I remembered the dog-a-day desk calendar I’d been meaning to bring and happily brought it out. As I was unwrapping it in front of this co-worker I was excitedly telling her about meaning to bring the thing in for a while. It wasn’t until I was putting it on operatory that I realized that she was expecting me to have brought her a gift. Ooops. Got her a fruit box delivery soon thereafter.
~Wedding Card – There was a point in my life where I was very proud of writing poems. My co-worker was getting married and I wrote her a poem inside of a card. Here’s what it said:
I wish you love,
I say congrats,
Like a glove,
Like nice hats,
You fit like glue
No longer one but two.
I was super proud of it but when she was reading it, I got a sinking feeling in my gut that the last part sounded totally wrong. I meant like, she was no longer single but double. Instead it sounded like they were breaking up. Geez.
~“I Hope” – One of my long-term patients came in with the sniffles and saying he had a cold. While generally we frown upon patients coming that are sick, I’m not going to turn them away unless they had a fever. Went through the appointment, everything was fine, when he got up to leave, I cheerfully said to him, “I hope you kick it soon!” He turned with a frown and I suddenly realized what I’d said and tried to save it quickly with, “THE COLD. I hope you kick THE COLD soon!” *Facepalm*
~Deeper – I was seeing a patient that I cringe whenever I see his name on my schedule. Things were going okay and he told me, as I was doing his lower front teeth, that he gets “a perverse pleasure” whenever those teeth are cleaned so long as it doesn’t hit his gums because he can’t stand that feeling. I, personally, love cleanings, so I told him that my favorite place is in his place in the whole office because I love cleanings. I said, “I love it. You could dig at me all day and I’m like, ‘Go harder! Go Deeper!'” I froze as soon as I said that and on any other patient it might go over well, albeit awkwardly. He, of course, got this nasty smile on his face after I said that while I pretended that it was totally normal what had just come from my mouth. Geez.
~Arm Punch – After my first date with my ex-boyfriend, we had definitely felt the spark. He drove me home from the day’s adventures and I was freaking out about how to end the date. What do I do? We were kind of sitting there in front of my house in his truck and he turned towards me with anticipation, I panicked, thanked him and punched him in the arm before hopping out and running to my house. His face was priceless when I did that, one of utter shock mixed with amusement. I’m laughing writing about it now. He never did let me live that down.
~Parallel Parking a Honda Fit – I was trying to park my mom’s Honda Fit on the street. I mean, it’s a Honda Fit. It’s tiny, but I’m a terrible parallel parker. Regardless, I thought that even I should be able to park the car and the spot I’d seen while walking the dogs seemed perfect. I drove out and proceeded to back in just like I was taught all of those years ago. I think I corrected like 10 times before I saw some people staring at me mouth agape. Embarrassed, I drove off and found a really huge spot even though it was farther away. Parked, and realized that even though I thought I was really close to the cars in front and behind me, when I stepped outside, I was parked in a spot big enough for 3 cars. After fixing myself, I walked back to the place I initially tried to park in and immediately facepalmed myself. Two sedans in the mean time had parked themselves neatly in it. Ugh. No wonder those people were staring.
~Eating Pillow – I was dreaming about eating my aunt’s holiday desserts. I crammed them all in my mouth because they were so good, but suddenly I was choking. I could not breathe, but I kept chewing and trying to swallow because I didn’t want to spit them out they were so good. I kept choking and choking until I woke up and found that I’d been eating my pillow. The part of the pillowcase that I was trying to eat had been tightly twisted and was completely soaked in my saliva. I was astounded and extremely embarrassed that I could have passed out from dream-eating.
~Class Rank – It was my high school graduation. I attended that high school from 10-12 grade, having been a freshman at a different school with the people I grew up with. I’d never fit in well at the new school at all (not only was my economic class different, but I was one out of 5 total Asians in the school) but I was okay with my small group of friends. They were awarding medals to the top 10 students. I’d orchestrated my 5th place rank (to ensure I’d neither be Valedictorian nor Salutatorian) and was proud of myself. As I strutted up to accept my rank and medal, I heard not-so-soft whispers all around me asking, “Who is that? Who IS that???” Admittedly, it put a nervous damper on my excitement, but not too much because I realized I’d never have to care about those people and their opinions anymore.
~Umbrella Hat – I was super excited about my new purchase from Amazon of a rainbow colored umbrella hat. It would make walking my 2 dogs in the rain a cinch! Both hands free, no need for a rain jacket in the summer, and staying dry? YES! Well I put it on my head one rainy morning and left to walk my 2 pups. They, of course, had zero care and I was so proud of myself. We rounded the corner at the busy 4-way stop, and there was this kid riding by on his bike (maybe 10 or 12 or so) he coasted slowly by, mouth completely agape, eyes wide, staring at me. My pride wavered but I told myself that was just a kid and I didn’t care about his judgement. The self-consciousness was starting to settle in, though, and I turned around to go home. A couple cars passed by and hit the brakes as they caught sight of me, driving suspiciously slowly as if someone was taking pictures inside or laughing. Not just one car. A couple cars. *sigh* Needless to say, that was the first and last time I ever wore that umbrella hat in public.
~Oniony Goodness – I was in college, the weather was warm, and I’d went down to the male floor to visit some guy friends. He One of them definitely had a crush on me and I was kind of feeling it out. I poked my head in to give them something (a message or an item I can’t remember) and was about to leave when I caught the scent of some food. I figured they had just ordered some Chinese eggrolls because it was really a very oniony smell and I could just picture the duck sauce in my head. I inhaled deeply and said, wow, something smells fantastic like eggrolls, I’m getting hungry. There was a tenseness in the room and no one said anything. I was confused by the awkwardness when it hit me that it wasn’t eggrolls at all. It was body odor. Sweat. Specifically John’s armpit sweat. I quickly closed the door and about died against the wall before racing upstairs back to my room to finish dying there.
~Bad Listener – Stuff like this happens on numerous occasions especially at work since I listen to a LOT of small talk and random crap that patients spout at me. There are some very talkative people out there. One particular day I was so over everything and was only half-listening to what people were saying to me. Most of the time, a well placed, “ohh!” or “Wooow,” or “that’s crazy!” is sufficient for most conversations so that I can get back to doing my job quickly. I decided to laugh after a patient was saying something and said something along the lines of “that’s funny/interesting” before trying to get my instruments back into her mouth to work. She pulled back to the side a little, looked pointedly at me, and stated, “I said my mother just died.” I froze, humiliated by my crassness, and apologized. The patient seemed to quickly forgive me (it’s nice when patients like you) and I strove to pay more attention after that.
~Real Job – I worked seasonal retail once and not only did I gain the favor of management, but of higher-level associates. One team lead in particular was very fond of me and had me work with her at customer service often. Season ended, and most people weren’t invited back. Though I was, I turned it down because I gained more hours in the career I went to school for. I came back one time to the store to buy something and ran into the team lead I’d worked with. She was excited to see me, and I was glad to see her too. She asked me why I wasn’t working for them anymore and though I meant something different, what came out of my mouth was, “Oh, I got a real job.” WTF. What I had meant to say was that I’d landed a regular job, but it mixed in there with I now work in my real career aspirations. It came out VERY wrong, and her face fell immediately. There was NO WAY to take back what I’d said, no way to correct it anymore, and I just felt like scum. Absolute scum. Shortly thereafter, the company went out of business, but it still haunts me.
